Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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