i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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