I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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