I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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