You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
