i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize