Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
