I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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