I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We left the knife in your bed.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
