i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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