dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
