i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
