Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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