i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
