I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
