Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
