I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
