I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
