just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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