Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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