There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
