Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
