All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
