I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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