I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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