I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
