don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize