i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
