My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
