before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
