Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
