our cab driver is having phone sex.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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