benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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