Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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