Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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