how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
