Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm like, not good at living.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
