Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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