accomplished twins. life is a go
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
