I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
