Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
