I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize