I cannot find my penis.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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