did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
is it fun? or sober?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
