She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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