Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
