A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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