I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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