he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
