that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
