It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
