Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
