And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I look better un-naked...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
