I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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