Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
