pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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