he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize