I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
