I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
