i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
