omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
why is half of my head shaved?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
