im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
