You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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