and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
