At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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