Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
