well I can't set my house on fire every night
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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