Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
